those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
