I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
