im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
