Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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