Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
