He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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