I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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