I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
