apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
