we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
did i just pee glitter
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
