i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
what day is it and did you see me today?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
