He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
