Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
