She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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