I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
