I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm getting married
To pizza
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
