I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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