Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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