you're like a bully in the Christmas story
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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