I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
