I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
