I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
