You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
