and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
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I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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