Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
