I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
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You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize