Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
