why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
