So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
So apparently I’m into choking now
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
