If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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