He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's shark week go big or go home
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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