My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
