I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
