Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
