If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
