we have officially lost it.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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