do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
