Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
