Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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