Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
