Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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