if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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