WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
