i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
where are you?
Hypothermia
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
