I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
