I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
