The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
