i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
