This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize