genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
