I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
they're like a gay fantastic four
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
