I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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