I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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