proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
