just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
