I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
