I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
