Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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