I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
