I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
